Today I woke up feeling like I’d been beat up. I originally thought the feeling was purely physical, but now I’m feeling it emotionally too. I don’t have any sophisticated psychological explanation… this holiday season has been jam packed with emotional curveballs and beautiful connections. I’m processing things that have only surfaced after 10+ years. Why now? It’s time. I’m ready. I don’t feel like I’m ready, but I know that if it is showing up in my reality, I must be ready. Life is funny like that. I used to always long for a calm between the storms. I was so unaware of the calm and the storms as my own manifestations. This season, or moment, is also my manifestation. It feels funny writing that since there are so many other players involved, but we are each having our own manifestational experience, unique to each individual despite the shared theme.
Usually, I consider myself a very happy and optimistic person. I believe I am creating my own reality, so I want to intentionally focus on the elements I’d like to continue experiencing. Most days I start off hot… I get right into my appreciation practice first thing in the morning. Let me tell you, the kind of day that sets me up for is phenomenal! I can, and do, find magic everywhere I set my gaze! That is the kind of morning I intend to have each day. And that intention takes some focus. I have not been as focused lately. It doesn’t matter why. What matters is now I’m feeling the uncomfortable pinch of allowing my alignment to slip. I’ll redirect my focus and get back into my daily practice… or I’ll feel a harder pinch. It’s not a punitive pinch. It’s a gentle reminder that I no longer feel comfortable in a low vibrational state. What I used to consider normal, or rational, is too uncomfortable now. I’m glad of that. I don’t want to realign with despair and disempowerment. I want to keep reaching higher and higher until my lowest lows are still on the happiest end of the spectrum! I know it’s possible because of my own experience orienting myself to a happier and happier perspective.
This pinch serves multiple purposes. I’m reminded to realign with my broader perspective, and I’m made aware of old momentum I can now soothe. Sometimes I know the momentum is there, like the anxiety I feel about going to the dentist. Some momentum is more subtle, like this experience of missing my dad and all that is helping to bring to the surface. On Christmas eve I was talking to my stepmom about some resistance I feel toward my mom’s boyfriend. He’s alright, but everything about him seems to get on my nerves. I know this is a ‘me’ issue and not actually about him. As I talked about my former stepdad, Chuck, I reminisced about the way he approached our relationship. A memory surfaced that I was happy to remember and I was suddenly flooded with a mix of appreciation and grief. I’m feeling it now as I write. Chuck was the father to me that my own dad had been unable to be. For about ten years we had a deeply loving bond and the next 7- or 8-years things got progressively complicated between us. In the end, hostility, pain, grief, confusion seemed to be all that was left. Chuck passed away a year or two after the divorce was final. By that point I’d started making peace with my memories of him. So, when news of his transition reached me, I grieved what we’d lost and felt I’d put the pain to rest with him. I consciously felt only appreciation for Chuck. I didn’t realize until now, that I’m still holding momentum related to him and my willingness to allow myself to open to another… I can’t even write {stepfather} because I feel too resistant to consider the idea!
I want to make progress on this momentum, and I’m also tempted to dig in deeper to resistance. I know I will feel so much better when I do soothe this. I mean, I’m 46 years old. I don’t need another parent. Ha! I don’t expect Chris to fill Chuck’s shoes. Besides all that, I want my mom to be happy, more than anything! I believe she loves Chris and he loves her. They have fun together. So why isn’t that enough to get me on board? Because this isn’t really about Chris. Or Chuck. Or my dad. It’s all about me. It’s about my willingness to allow flow, my willingness to release, my willingness to open to new possibilities.