The strange grace of missing my dad

I miss my dad. He’s still alive and still technically in my life. He’s on a huge physical and metaphorical journey that takes him far from home. I’m glad he’s honoring his inner calling. I want this for him, and for me, and for us…. but I also don’t. I keep trying to understand what it is to miss him. This is the first time in my 46 years that I am aware of missing him. It feels foreign. It feels a little bit good too, like evidence that we are bonded… that I’m actually bonded to him. I haven’t always had that with him. This experience is opening me up in a good, albeit intense way. I’m learning new things about myself every day. I’m learning new things about my dad, my stepmom, and my siblings. I’m observing my mom’s reaction and subsequent processing of her experience with my dad. I notice how most people around me are unaffected and seem surprised by my emotions. My husband is so solid, so grounded. He has had his own journey with his relationship with and to his father. He has also struck out on his own transformational journey after living as a shadow of himself, so he can identify with my dad. We both experienced a tumultuous end to our relationships with my stepdad, Chuck. And our own separation informs much of my thoughts on this current experience with my dad. It’s all intertwined for me. More evidence that how I be, is what I attract. That is good to know.

I want to be so clear, so solid, and I will get there. I’m moving in that direction all the time. I know that my Broader Perspective is with me every step of the way. I know I am benefiting from what feels like contrast. We don’t really grow in our comfort zones, do we? My dad has answered his soul’s calling. How absolutely wonderful! He’s leaning in, in the most powerful way. He’s accessing his infinite powerful potential. What could be bad about that? Only my stories about what that transformation means for me or for my loved ones. Yet, the alternative for my dad, is to continue moving through life on someone else’s terms. That’s worse for him than what we are ‘going through’ now. It would’ve also been worse for us, though it’s probably not clear to everyone involved just yet. We {all} tend to reach for comfortable in lieu of wonderful, exhilarating, novel, powerful. We think we want security and stability, only to shrink our lives down from the unlimited potential we all possess. I lived that way most of my life. It is suffocating. Maybe not at first, and maybe we adapt to chronic shortness of breath, but that’s no way to live!

So today I will miss my dad and wonder what the next chapter looks like. I don’t want to wish this chapter away. I won’t rush it. I’m tempted, but I know better. This is the most transformative time, the in between time. I already see signs of transformation in us all. I’m reminded again of how much appreciation I have for Cain leaving me to seek himself. We were both drowning and pulling each other under… I knew it, but I didn’t know what to do about it. We were both so indoctrinated in how a marriage should be that we were both scared to mess everything up, even though it already was a mess! Someone had to jerk the wheel already! It was painful and scary and beautiful, and we are both so much better off for it! Today I am so clear and so solid that our separation was absolutely necessary and so beneficial for us both. That’s the knowing I am banking on for my dad, my stepmom, and us ‘kids’.

Dad, if you read this, I hope you are well and know that I miss you and love you! I’ll miss seeing you for Christmas, but this is still waaay better than the alternative. I hope you find something meaningful to do on Christmas.